I was in Holland minding my own heart. And only sparsely informed about the Doolin drama. So on my return, first thing in the morning, I did a cave call on Dusty.
When I swim in, despair hangs heavy in the air. From the sound system she took from Simon Berrow's unforgiving memory a song from the sixties whispers a ripple into the restless ooze: 'You can't imagine the tears and the sorrow behind a painted smile'. My heart softens as it has done so many times before. The harsh reproaches reason suggested melt on my lips when I see her wretchedness. Her eyes, most always dreamily half-closed and gently traveling with her engraved smile, are flaring, racing from fore to aft and her clicking closes in like rapid machine-gun fire. Is this my close friend, my inspiration for over a decade, the deepest of my thoughts and the highest of my spirit or is this the runaway nutcase the tabloids make us to believe.
'Easy now, Princess! You're not alone, you got friends, so many more than you think and all the hard men, they can't touch you.'
'That's what you say, but they did take away all my friends, nobody comes to swim with me anymore.'
'I know, honey, and I know they say it's for your own good and I know it doesn't feel that way to you at all.'
'So if you know all that much, do you know how I do feel?'
'I can only try to imagine your pain'.
'Indeed, to so many I am not who I am. You told me once you know yourself how it is to be burdened by expectation. You were supposed to cheer up when people were nice to you, no matter how down in the dumps you were. I am supposed to be cheerful whatever, whenever and whatsoever. I'm supposed to be very intelligent, but that doesn't seem to carry any weight as stupidity is imposed on me left, right and centre. Like my wretched smile makes me a victim of happiness. And feelings I don't seem to have, apart from having to be happy about everything you people do to me…'
'Hey now, don't go ranting at me, I'm on your side, remember? I think, and I'm not alone in that, that you have shown extraordinary patience. For so often you have suffered abuse and ignorance, but you always came out on top, showing everyone the meek do inherit the earth. No human would have tolerated your ordeal.'
'I don't understand. Why are people jumping on top of me, trying to hang on to my dorsal fin, even trying to put sand into my blow-hole?'
'You see, it is your intelligence that gets warped. You simply can't digest ignorance and stupidity unless you commit it yourself. And that you don't have in you. Your anger is pure and self-inflicting. It is devoid from contemplation, a force of Nature exploding. There is no intent, just rage.'
'How did it come to this. I never meant…'
'We know, Honey, your friends believe in you.'
As we together sob the salt into the sea a self-appointed SS-er bursts in: 'In the name of the entire Ocean I arrest you!'. I look at Dusty, we grin, I take a deep breath and dive into the Atlantic, Dusty at my side. 'Now you see for yourself' she gives, 'how hard it is to tell the good guys from the bad guys'.